For Relatives of Transsexuals

Family of transgender woman

Family Support Can Make All the Difference!

One of the most common questions I get asked is from members of a transsexual person’s family, who want to support them but do not know how. The general question is ‘My father/son/brother just told us he is transsexual and we don’t know how to support him.’ This situation is probably far more common than many people might think.

A common reaction to this kind of news is usually shock, but in some cases the relatives are not as surprised as the transsexual person might think they will be. It’s kind of akin to a gay person coming out; there have always been signs and for those who are observant it will come as no surprise at all to hear it. It merely affirms their instincts about it. The same applies with transsexual people and oftentimes their family have had suspicions for years but kept it to themselves.

People who genuinely had no idea about a close family member being transsexual might find that they will also go through a long period of adjustment. Think about it; your dad tells you he wants to be a woman. The man you have known all your life as your best buddy, your football coach, the guy you could talk ‘guy stuff’ with is suddenly dressing up and putting make up on, growing his hair and asking that you call her Sheila. It has to be weird.  Your period of adjustment is usually determined by the closeness you share with that relative. If you are distance from them and never really got along you will probably not worry about it for too long, but will hold some resentment toward them. If you are close and you have always been that way you will almost feel that you have to make a special effort to ‘get over it’ as soon as possible because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. Also, there are varying ‘in between’ stages that others will go through.

Things you can do

  • Education is the key here. Read everything you can about being transsexual to see it from their point of view.
  • Ask if it is ok to ask them questions. Being silent on the matter won’t help either of you and you need to be open.
  • Get somewhat familiar with terminology so that you understand differences between ‘trans’ words.
  • Be sensitive to their situation. After all, remember they have had to keep this a secret possibly for many years and it can be just as strange for them to suddenly be who they really are.
  • Listening to your relative will make them feel more comfortable with you and keep the lines of communication open between you both.
  • Reach out to groups and support networks for people in your situation. Others might have insight into what it feels like, and be able to offer you some help.
  • Be an advocate of transsexual rights. Many people who had previously been anti-gay often switch sides over night when they find out their family member is a lesbian or gay person. The same applies to transsexual people and they need your support.

What you can always do for your family member is to love and support them regardless of anything they tell you. Withhold your own judgments and fears about their situation and stand in their shoes for a moment.  This person might be a parent who has supported you through everything. They will still be your parent no matter what. At this point I would like to give my own mom a shout out and say thank you, mom!  :)

~ Amber Lynn

Caitlyn Jenner’s Amazing Transformation!

caitlyn-jenner-tweetsSo, by now you will have seen it all over social media and the media in general; Bruce is gone, long live Caitlyn! Back in April, which seems like months ago now, we were introduced to a new side of Bruce Jenner, as yet unnamed, but certainly different to the athlete we all knew. Jenner was ‘coming out’ as a transsexual and finally telling his story to Diane Sawyer of ABC News. At that time, we had no idea what his new female persona would look like, sound like or be named. However, Bruce has put his male alter ego to rest and has proudly announced that Caitlyn Jenner has entered the building and she did it with style!

Pictured on the front of the June 2015 edition of Vanity Fair Magazine, Caitlyn looks more like a movie star from the 1940’s or 1950’s. She proudly sports a long flowing set of beautiful brown locks and a set of boobs that most women would be proud to flash on the cover of one of the world’s top magazines. Caitlyn Jenner’s Twitter account has only 2 tweets as I write this but already she has accumulated over 1 million followers.

Back during the interview with Diane Sawyer, Bruce, who had not revealed at that time just what his female name would be, told Diane that he had long known he was different. Even during the days when he was a famous all-American Olympic athlete he was aware that his inside persona was not the same as his outside persona. He had tried for many years to cover it up, hide it and pretend it wasn’t there but, like anyone with a secret that deep it has ways of surfacing. One cannot pretend their entire life and not suffer inward torment.

What Jenner has been most surprised about—she shares in her interview with Vanity Fair—is that every time she goes to the mailbox she has been overwhelmed by all the worldwide letters of support she is receiving from total strangers and friends alike. Caitlyn reveals to Buzz Bissinger that she suffered a huge panic attack after undergoing her feminization surgery because it took ten rather than the alleged five hours it was supposed to take. She saw a counselor who calmed her and told her that her reaction was quite normal and usually induced by pain medication.
Jenner also revisits a similar comment made to Diane Sawyer when he spoke about his end of life thoughts, saying that he didn’t want to look back and think he has blown his entire life away because he couldn’t live as he felt he should have. Caitlyn is a she and Bruce is now a defunct character who played a huge part in the molding of Caitlyn but is not Caitlyn.

The 22-page cover story is sure to be one of the top selling stories of the year and will no doubt promote massive sales for Vanity Fair. It is backed by some stunning photos by Annie Leibovitz who was the only person Jenner would have chosen for the photo shoot. Whether you regard Jenner’s story with an eye of suspicion, or cynicism, or just good old fashioned curiosity, one thing is for sure, Caitlyn Jenner has made her mark on society already and is a pioneer to many. Even stars like Laverne Cox must hand kudos to Jenner for being so publicly open about her struggle with her gender identity.

Twitter is blowing up with photos and congrats and all manner of comments about Caitlyn Jenner, with David Caplan tweeting a picture of Caitlyn in a ‘smoking hot dress’. Anyway, as a trans myself, I can completely understand Jenner’s need to be herself and I for one salute her bravery for being famous and doing this right in front of the world. Kudos Caitlyn and may you have a long and happy life!

Origin of the Word “Transgender”

Where does the word ‘Transgender’ come from?

I have had a request to explain the history behind the use of the word ‘transgender’ from Chad (hi sweetie ;-) and so I am going to attempt to explain it as best I can.  The word itself can be split into 2 pieces ‘trans’—meaning ‘beyond’—and ‘gender’—which define our different physical characteristics in terms of sexuality.

origin-of-transgenderSo, to be a ‘trans’ person — either transgender, transsexual, transvestite means that you are beyond the simplistic ‘pigeonhole’ that people usually define themselves (as in male or female) and you have ‘transcended’ (haha, pun intended) the norm. The word ‘Transsexualism’ first appeared around 1965 when a psychiatrist called John Oliven, from Columbia University, coined the word in explanation of a mutable state of transgenderism, comparing it somewhat unfairly to transvestism or cross-dressing.

After 1969 the word was applied to many of the words we now associate with crossing dressing, gender dysmorphic, gender identity, sexual identity and many ‘beyond’ terms.  Many people have issues with the differences between all the ‘trans’ words because they can be quite confusing in their similarity.

In my dating guide I have sort of laid out the varying differences between the physical aspects, but just to explain briefly, ‘transsexual’ relates to a person who might feel that they were born into the wrong body and they feel the desire to accomplish life in the body or appearance of the sexual identity they should have begun life with.

‘Transgender’ has evolved to become a sort of blanket term to describe a wide variety of people on the gender continuum. Transgender can also refer to a ‘transsexual’ person but, someone who identifies as ‘transgender’ may not share the same feelings toward their physical body as a transsexual person. They may just prefer to appear as the opposite gender in the way they dress, but they will be ‘ok’ with who they are physically (although levels of each individual do vary).

A ‘transvestite’ is a man who prefers to dress as a woman, usually in private or in secret, but may be a straight, married man with kids. He could also be a transsexual who is as yet undecided about their physical future. More recently, the term ‘crossdresser’ or ‘cross dresser’ has been gaining favor, as the term transvestite is seen by many as having a derogatory connotation.

‘Drag queens’ are often gay men who like dressing up, but are not necessarily transsexual or contemplating surgery. Drag queens are often overlooked on the gender continuum or are frequently miscategorized as transvestites or transsexuals.

It really is a very odd dynamic and extremely hard to pigeonhole everyone into the mainstream categories as created by our modern society. As a transsexual person myself, I prefer to not use labels and therefore I call myself a T-Girl. While I personally don’t refer to myself as a ‘shemale’ I know others who use that term and, others again who don’t like it because it is associated with porn and sex workers.  So, again, it’s a personal preference and the history of all the ‘trans’ words have resulted in society’s need to psychologically compartmentalize every person. You might think that’s unfair. I know I do.

Check back on my next blog to follow soon, and meanwhile, if you have a question you want me to answer, let me know via my personal blog or my Facebook page and I will try to address them!

~ Amber Lynn

Sexuality of Trans Admirers

On the subject of the sexuality of trans admirers, I have had another question that gives me a chance to help some of you with some confusion. One of our sweet guys from South Australia, let’s call him D ;-) (Hi, hunny, you know who you are ;-))

Are male trans admirers gay?The question relates to a subject that is in fact partially covered in my guide, but just to reiterate, if a guy likes to date and have sex with T-Girls it doesn’t make him gay. There is a strange dynamic involved with this kind of relationship because many guys question this. It can put them off dating a T-Girl or make them feel like they are weird or they have to keep it like a dirty little secret. It’s not a dirty secret; it’s a fact of life that some men are attracted to T-Girls and with very good reason ;-)

T-Girls offer something special (and I am not just talking about added extras) that men find irresistible. They are feminine but they also understand what it’s like to be a guy. Men want someone who understands them and T-Girls want a man who understands them, too. Most T-Girls are either pre-op or post-op and those who are pre-op are such because they do intend to have the surgery at some point and become fully female. However, money can play a large part in how soon they have the surgery and it’s not down to a moral decision, but a financial one for many.

Pre-op T-Girls are feminine from the waist up and the thighs down and they dress to impress, have a very female way of being and they are just like any other lady. Post-op T-Girls have been through the entire process and are fully functioning females in virtually every respect.

Essentially, it is your choice who you desire to date, who you choose to love and who you hang out with as a friend. Whether you want are comfortable with your choice is your own issue that you need to find your own solution or resolution to and no one can help you with that. You have to feel comfortable in your own skin before you can be who you are and that includes whom you date.

If you like men as men, you might be gay. If you like women as men, you might be a lesbian ;-) and if you like men as women it just means you are attracted to someone you find attractive. Let’s not label it, eh? ;-) Just have fun, treat your T-Girlfriend with respect and love and you will reap the benefits ;-)

Download my total dating guide. It’s free! check out the link on the right sidebar.

The Question of Restrooms

Transgender bathroom questionThere’s a question some people are afraid to ask out loud. A sweet guy who follows my Facebook Page has asked this question and I am going to address it now. I can only speak for myself and on behalf of all the trans-ladies out there (or T-Girls, TS Girls or Trans-Women—pick your preference, ladies ;-)) who have mentioned the same issue to me personally and therefore I can impart my wisdom and hopefully give you guys a little better understanding.

The question was from my new friend Chad (Hi Hunny ;-) ) and he wants to know how we T-Girls manage public restrooms when we are out and about. He Wrote; “Hi Amber this is Chad. I have a question; whenever you have to use the restroom which one do you use, the men’s, the women’s or do you use the family’s?”

First, let me say thank you to Chad for the question. My answer is this:

There are a few situations where I personally feel that we T-Girls can choose wisely which restroom we go into. Let’s break it down into a few different scenarios and see how it works.

Let’s say I am at a gay/trans/LGBT club. This situation is somewhat unique in comparison to the rest of the world and in this case I would feel completely comfortable using the ladies restroom. I am aware that I am in mixed company, but also that many of the women will be lesbians and not in the least bit threatened by my appearance in ‘their’ restroom.

However, if I am in a regular restaurant or club I will be cautious in case there are children around. Many parents have issues with privacy and gender equality and they might not take too kindly to seeing a T-Girl in a woman’s restroom. Personally I have never come against any prejudice but I know some of my T-Girl friends have encountered some resistance. It’s really a matter of how sensitive we are to other people’s reactions and vice-versa.

If I am in a public place, like a park or theater and I am dressed up to the nines and looking hot most women are not going to be able to tell the difference between me or any other woman. In those circumstances it is all systems go and I have no issue at all with using a ladies restroom.

If I am in a place where there is a family restroom I will sometimes use that just for convenience but if there is a ‘Men’ and ‘Women’ restroom with just a single cubicle I will choose the ‘Women’.

I can completely understand why many people would be curious about this choice and the issues we T-Girls come up against. However, most of the time we are dressed as women and people accept us at face value. They don’t think to question it and therefore it is not a problem.

Since I transitioned I have not actually used a men’s restroom at all and maybe that is because I look so ‘female’ that it doesn’t occur to anyone that I am anything else. I know of some T-Girls who have experienced different responses and therefore they have different stories. What I would say at this point is this; transgender or transsexual people don’t make the decision to transition lightly. They have to go through years of therapy before they can even be considered for gender reassignment surgery and it is a heavy burden to bear for those who are treated with a lack of respect. The trauma of being born into the wrong body is tough one to carry and we thank those who are understanding of us. We appreciate every kindness that gentlemen show us T-Girls and we love you for it. So, with that said, thanks again for reading this and I hope it gives you a further understanding of how it is to be a T-Girl. ;-)

The Importance of Being Amber Lynn

Amber Lynn - Pre-Op TranssexualSo many people, both men and women, have often asked me what the difference is between all the terminology that gets used both by and for people like me. It’s a very odd situation to have to explain ones identity and how I feel about myself to people who cannot understand it. If you watched that interview with Bruce Jenner last week you will probably have some insight into how it feels to be a transgender person, but there is so much more to it than that! It’s very complex, I am very complex ;-)

So, if you haven’t already downloaded the dating guide (see the right sidebar) you might not be all that savvy when it comes to how to treat TS girls like me. We are not one of the guys, but we can be even better than one of the guys.  The Bruce Jenner interview shed light on the inside experience that people like us are born with. We can’t identify with our inner self and our outside appearance. Put simply, imagine that you are in a hospital having your appendix out and when you wake up you have boobs but your appendix is still there. You’d be horrified, right? Well, when I was born I felt just like I had been waiting in line and been given the only body left and it was the wrong one. I hated my maleSad parts. I felt I had been short-changed and this was not what I signed up for.

When I was 6 I started dressing up in my sister’s clothes. She was 8 at the time and when she went out to play with her friends I would sneak into her room, take some of the dresses from her closet and run to my room.  I tried on the dress and it felt like I was home. It felt exactly how it should have been if I were born into the right body. I knew it from a very early age and as I grew up I also realized that it wasn’t the ‘done’ thing to dress up like a girl, even though it was how I felt. I had no one I could turn to and no one I could confide in.

In a nutshell, I identify as transsexual or transgender—TS or T-girl for short. This means that while I still have no yet had surgery—something I am definitely going to do in the future—I am still a woman in my mind and upper body.  I have had breast augmentation surgery—pretty sure you will like the results ;-)—and I have had hormone therapy.

It can mean that you get the best of both worlds, but I also like and expect to be treated like a proper lady. I want the doors opened for me. I want you to call me ‘Ma’am. I want you to place my coat on my shoulders and take me to dinner. I want you to respect me the way you respect all women. When we slow dance I want you to caress me gently. All these things are important to most women and I feel exactly the same. Please remember the importance of being Amber Lynn ;-)

T-Girl Dating Guide

My T-Girl Dating Guide is here! Due to what I’ve seen and experienced with men, I’ve written a men’s guide to meeting and romancing T-Girls. I’ll tell you where to meet T-Girls both online and offline, how to make your approach, good opening lines, the correct terminology to use and how to sweep your special T-Girl off her feet.

Dating T-Girls isn’t rocket science, but there is so much misinformation out there that I felt this would be helpful. I’ve been approached many times by well intentioned men who have no idea what a T-Girl is or how to treat us. I believe most of these men are nice gentlemen — they just need the knowledge to make it happen. The feedback I’ve been getting tells me the guide is just what T-Girl admirers need.

I will explain the differences between crossdressers, transvestites, transsexuals, drag queens and shemales, and how to meet them both online and in the real world. More importantly, I will cut through the confusion created by all the misinformation out there. You’ll be well grounded with the knowledge that will set you apart from all the other men who want an exotic experience with a T-Girl.

The T-Girl Dating Guide is free! It is available on this site for instant download, along with a subscription to my personal e-mails which I’ll send out about once a month. It’s all free and I’ll share more dating tips, member questions & answers, my personal insights into the t-girl world, and you’ll receive more photos of me and my girlfriends.

Due to the adult nature of the photos and e-mail content you must be over 18 years of age to subscribe. I never, ever share your e-mail address with anyone else and you’ll never receive spam messages. Just fill in the simple subscription box at the right side of this page. It will take you about 15 seconds! Once you subscribe, you’ll need to go to your email inbox to verify your request. Please do that right away and you’ll receive an immediate download link for your copy of the T-Girl Dating Guide.

Once you start receiving my e-mails you can unsubscribe anytime you want. There will be an unsubscribe link so you can opt out of my personal e-mail messages anytime you want but why would you want to do that? ; )


T-Girl Dating Guide: Comments from Readers

I wanted to say that your site is very helpful. It provides me with useful tips on what to do and not what to do in a dating/or getting to know situation with a transgender. You’re right, there is a lot of misinformation out there. Therefore it’s good to know you are out there to set the record straight. I have liked and thought about dating and starting a relationship with a transgender for many years. I came very close to it one time but it didn’t work out because of distance. I’m a little stuck as to where to meet transgenders. I am very busy and work long hours so I can’t always make it to clubs and bars. I was wondering if you could recommend any dating sites. I am in the UK. Many Thanks, Morgan L. (Facebook Friend)